Thinking Aloud: Random Thoughts

Do you ever feel lonely when you're alone?
Do you ever feel lonely when you’re alone?

I just wanna write something here, I’m not sure what it’ll be, but I just feel the need to write something out. What this post will amount to I’m not sure, but we’ll tally that up at the end.

Recently I’ve felt… I don’t know, per-occupied with something, I’m not sure what though, but I just feel like I’m not focusing on things like I normally do. Maybe I’m just stressed out over things (probably true) or maybe it’s school starting again, whatever the reason it’s bothering me. I keep wanting to sort out my thoughts and get things organized, but I can’t find the time to; I’ve got story ideas I need to write down, dialog I should take notes of, and… something else I just need to write down…

It’s normal to feel anxious about going back to school, right? I mean you’ve been on break for the past few months, maybe not really doing much, so jumping back into the school scene seems overwhelming at first. Like I said before, I’m not looking for friends at school, I’ve gotta work and pass this course… ha so cliche me, not wanting to associate with others, maybe it’s time I break out of my shell and start acting normal or something. I’m just not that of a social person, I don’t really like being around groups of people (even if I know them to the most part).

I don’t mind if you laugh at this, but I was bored the other day and started searching for personality tests online (okay I was really bored remember, stop laughing so much). I took a few (God that sounds so weird now, taking multiple tests like that… damn…) and maybe I learned something about myself. Introversion. What the hell is that? My limited vocabulary didn’t know the full meaning at the time, so saved the day again. So I came to the conclusion that I’m what you call “introverted”. Pretty much I don’t give a shit about being with others and I willingly chose to spend time alone rather than associate with people (that’s the really basic definition if you wanna break it down). Maybe I just never realized it before (or I don’t take enough personality tests…) but that result I got seems to be shockingly true.

When invited to a party, or any type of gathering (be it formal, informal, just some get-together or what have you) my knee-jerk reaction is “NO!”; from there I’ll weigh the pros and cons of going, usually placing the fact I’ll get something to eat at said gathering high, and I’ll then decide whether or not I should go. Usually I’ll end up going, not because of the association, but because there usually isn’t that much food and home and I’ve wanted to eat something different than what I have been for the past while. Also usually when I get home after said gathering, I’m happy I went; I’ll go as far as saying I had “fun” and I’ll think what it’d be like had I not gone. Why should this matter that much? Well I’m not sure myself, I just wanna write something about thoughts I have.

I know this isn’t my writing blog, but rather for personal things, but I wanna mention this new idea for a story I want to write. Pretty much it encompasses what I just talked about, that being writing a character with an introverted personality (among other things). Why you might ask? Simple answer, because I want to. In the long and short of things, I want to write new characters in my stories, most of them are usually new, but with things that I like to use in all my characters. Personality quarks, likes and dislikes, hobbies and such, they all share the same ones. Strangely enough (if you wanna laugh again, now’s your chance) I got this idea after watching the OVA for the anime Busou Shinki. Okay quiet down now, I’m continuing.

SPOILER ALERT: Turns out that OVA is actually the events that take place before ep 1, where the Ann, Aines and Lene actually meet Hina (Strarf) before she joins them in their adventures (terrible summery I know). But at the ending of that ep, there is a scene in which after Ann and Strarf have had their AI chips changed (ending up swapping bodies) and they have to get things changed back. In the process however, their memories will be erased and they’ll forget meeting. Don’t worry there is a reason behind why I’m bringing this up. Before they both are put under, Ann mentions that they only just became friends but they’ll have that part erased from their memory, Strarf replies in a cold way saying she doesn’t remember them ever becoming friends at any point. Following that, Ann mentions that if they ever meet again, she’ll save Strarf (should that become necessary; it does by the way, if you’ve watched the 12 eps you’d know). For some reason I really liked Strarf’s reply to Ann, she pretty much says: “Don’t make promises you can’t keep” and then points out that their memories will be erased hence neither of them would even remember that promise anyway.

For some reason that scene and that dialog stuck with me and it’s been in the back of my mind for a while now. I think the main reason was Strarf’s attitude; she’s so cold at times, and just doesn’t really take to mind  feelings or emotions of others;that’s something I really wanted to put into a character in my own story. So coupling that with and introverted personality (maybe a dash of sociopathic tendencies) and I’d have a character like no other. I’m speaking my mind here, no stops in-between. When I think about it, I’ve never written a character like that before: cold disposition, lack of empathy, and so on; I know it sounds so dark and emo-ish, but it’s just an idea. Keep in mind I rarely talk much about my extreme concept ideas, consider yourself lucky to hear this.

So I did some research, I wanted to know exactly what a sociopathic personality is like; thankfully Google helped be along the way and I got a good amount of info. Pretty much this is going into new grounds for me; I’m tackling a personality I’ve never written before and I’m not sure how it’d go over. But nevertheless I want to try it out, the only problem: I’ve got no idea for a story to place this character into. I want to write a collab story at some point with any interested people, but this wouldn’t be the place to use this character; I need to think up a plot where I can really have this character shine and I’ll be able to write him to the full potential. Small ideas I’ve got floating in my head are helpful, but I can’t get something concrete out.

This brings me to the next point, Wattpad. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll know already that I joined the Canadian made writing site; and since then I’ve wanted to write a story and post it there. Maybe this is where I could use this character in a story I write and post there, we’ll see when that happens though.

Maybe this is what I’ve had on my mind for the past little while, thoughts I needed to sort out. As personal as I make this blog though, there are still some things I keep to myself, so I’m pleased that I wrote all this out, but I’ve still got other things on my mind. Monday is the start of school for me, back to the daily grind. Where I’ll be living by that point, I’ve got no idea. I’ve heard talk from my parents that they’ve found a few good places, but I’m not sure how it’s all gonna come together. As much as I want it, I’m not sure if any new house we’ll be moving into I’ll have my own room. Sharing with my brother is okay I guess, but I like having my own room, as I’m sure we all do. Personally I feel at ease being in my room, I can write freely and let my thoughts flow. But probably the most important thing: I can be alone…

I’ve written enough now, you’re probably sick of reading my thoughts (don’t worry you’re not alone). I’ll call it here and stop.



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