Thinking Aloud: Having Your Own Room; Moving Again

depression1More things to get off my mind. Feel free to skip this post if you want. I don’t mind.

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I miss having my own room. I’m sure you’ll all agree that having your own bedroom is a wonderful thing. It’s your own place to just sit and think, do whatever, or just escape the world, a safe haven and a place to sleep at night. Honestly as I grew up I rarely had that chance to have my own bedroom as I’ve shared a room with my brother for most of that time. Nothing against him though, but there were many times when I wish I had my own room so I could leave the worries of everyday out there and just be in my own area for a while.

Last year I did get a chance to have a room of my own and I enjoyed it so much. It was a decent sized room too, lots of space for my to put things (Emma was always getting after me about cleaning my room, haha, she still does too) and just lay on the floor when needed (aka sleeping; I haven’t had an actual bed for… uh… hmm, when did I last sleep in a proper bed?). I had my desk to work at, computer to keep me alive, and most importantly: a way to close to world out and relax. Since leaving that house (more like evicted) I haven’t had the chance to experience that once more. The current place we’re at, an apartment, is beyond small and I’m with my brother again sharing a room.

Once again I don’t mind him being there, but I really need a place of my own at this point in life. Until I can finally get a chance to move out on my own, I just don’t really like having to share a room anymore. It’s fine when you’re a kid, but I’m not a kid anymore (yes I can actually say that), I need my own area to live in. I miss the silence of my room, those late nights talking with friends online until 3AM, it’s something I loved so much. Ha, I know he probably won’t read this as he’s not into blogs, but I’d like to give a shout to a good buddy of mine who I talk with on Skype and are working on a collaboration story with; I know you’d be laughing when you read this, but I’ve gotta say it: you were right. I thought I’d never actually say this about him but… Katshumi saved my smile and laughter. Bow down to him, if you ever see him.

There I said it, now you can stop telling me at admit it.

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I knew it was coming sooner or later, but like I talked a bit about it in a previous post it’s nearing the time to be evicted once more. Dad keeps on saying it won’t come to this, but the past 3 times haven’t filled me with any confidence at all. I know it’s probably trivial to be thinking about this at a time like this, but the new anime season is starting very soon and I’m launching my new blog soon, the last thing I want is to be homeless AND Internet-less for this.  I know the library has Wi-Fi but I spent all last summer there and I know for a fact that it’s not fast enough to download anime. I’d spent hours, literal hours, there downloading anime and it’s not faster than 110kbps, so when downloading files that can range from 320MB up to 560MB, it’s going to take a while, granted that speed will hold for the time. I could spend 4 hours there and only download 1 or 2 eps, sometimes 3 if they were smaller files. Not to mention that when downloading anime, it takes all the bandwidth away from general Internet browsing, so I just would sit there writing or listening to music as I couldn’t do anything else online.

Like I said, it’s probably trivial to be thinking about something like that now, but it’s among the few things I actually value these days. What I hate most about this situation, aside from the obvious, is that no one ever thinks ahead and thinks up a backup plan in case things go bad. I’ve mentioned this many times but I feel my words aren’t getting through. I hate watching as said problem is unfolding and as it happens, that’s when a back up plan is made. It’s annoying, frustrating and just plain stupid. At this point it’s looking like by this time next week I won’t be living in this apartment anymore and what’s worse is that I don’t thing anyone has an idea of where we will be living should this happen.

It’s bad to say this, but this type of situation is pretty much normal for me at this point. For the past… probably 5 or 6 years this is all I’ve known, living in one place for about a year, getting evicted, bouncing around in shitty motels for a few weeks then moving into another house and starting the cycle over again. Looking at things now it’s going towards the eviction process once more, only this time I don’t know where we’ll be going. My brother has been in talks with his school and they’ve been looking into foster home type things as he’s just as fed up with this as I am. At this point I think that might actually be best for him as there isn’t much of a reason for him to be put through this again and again. Whether or not he’ll actually be leaving, I’m not sure of, but it’s a possibility not to be ruled out yet.

Hmm…. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I hate all this and it’s just the same shit in a different place. Honestly I think I should be farther (or is it further?) along in life at this point, but all this moving around and living without money has just fucked me up so much. The past 6 years of my life have been totally fucked and I’ll never get that time to grow up back again. Being a teenager is hard as I’m sure we can all say, but throwing this on top is just the knife in the heart. I know it could be much worse, I won’t deny that, but personally I have a really hard time dealing with things like this; it’s demoralizing and it breaks you down inside over a long period of time.

Well I think that’s about as much as I can bear writing at this point. I really hate to do this to people following my blog, having these long droughts of no posts because my life is all fucked up, but it might come to that again. I’ll apologize in advance if I don’t have the time to later and I promise that I won’t give up blogging because of this. This blog and you followers have kept me around this far and I don’t want to give that up now.

I said it wasn’t going to be a joke, starting my anime blog on April 1st, I’m dead serious about that date; if things take a turn for the worst though and I’m stuck in a position without Internet, then I might have to delay that launch date until I have a stable condition to work with. I’ll try to keep you updated with that and I still plan on having the advanced preview happening at the 10 day mark, so I think Saturday, but I’m not sure if the launch will be on the 1st like I want it to be.

Alright then I’ll call this quits here. If you read through to the ending, thanks for doing that; I don’t care if you skip these posts as I’m writing them mostly for myself to vent some built up emotions, but if you still read through and keep coming back for more posts, thanks for the support. I’m not sure what the rest of this week will bring but I can only pray for some miracle to happen; but at this point though, I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in miracles anymore.

Cya!

-Nick

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